Am I stupid for looking back at old times?

I am a little. Starting from scratch brings back a familiar feeling. A feeling that I haven’t felt in over a year. Until now, I can’t help but think…do you still think about me? If I controlled my anger a little better, would we still be together? Or would we still have ended up parting ways? Did you ever really love me? Do you regret anything you said? Did we make a big mistake?

When we were together, I sometimes felt like I wasn’t good enough for you. I was insecure. Now that I’ve fought away those insecurities, somehow I still wonder if I’m good enough for you. Yes, I’ve moved on. And I know you have too. We are both happy separately. But deep down inside, I know I’ll always have that soft spot for you.

I hate that us breaking up turned out better for me. And I hate that I could try to convince myself over and over again that I hate you, and everything you did to break me. Then when I bump into you, all that hate fades away. When we were together, the feeling was euphoric. Nothing else mattered. Only you mattered. Even up to this point, I always feel obliged to know how you are doing. When something good happens to me, I always hope that something good turns out for you too. I still care. Maybe not in the way that I used to, but I still do.

I wish we could be friends. But I will never let that happen. When I see you, I see a different person. You’re not the person that I once knew. And I still don’t want to get to know who you are; I prefer to think of who you were. It’s almost as if there’s a barrier in my heart between ‘Friends’ and ‘The Past’. No matter what I do, you never seem to cross over that barrier to ‘Friends’.

As much as I don’t want you to know how I feel, a small part of me still wants you to read this post. You most likely won’t. And even if you did, you probably wouldn’t want to talk to me ever again.

It’s almost as if I want to have my cake and eat it too; as if I can never be fully content. And I can’t understand why. Why do I always want more? I’ve been so blessed over the last four months or so, but my mind still drifts into the deep from time to time. ‘Curiosity killed the cat’, as they say.

However, if I don’t willingly sail into the murky waters of the past every so often, I’ll go insane when these old truths come to surface by surprise. But why must I do this? Why do I still think about this? I am more than satisfied at the moment with the sweetness that life has given me

I guess I’ll just have to accept past pain for what it is; it’s like a scar. I know it’s always going to be there, but I can live with it.

I’ve got so much to do in the next few weeks. The end of the month sees three important deadlines, as well as the end of the second semester. This only means that my exams are around the corner. I also have my driving test to think about, and my finance to sort out in order to get my car by summer. I won’t be going on holiday this year, so finding a temporary job might be handy after the exam period.

Ideally, I should be stressing out as I feel the pressure caving in, but I know that panicking will only make things worse. But sometimes, all I want to do is just chill. It can’t all be work and no play.

Anyway…back to this hazard perception video!